about my Christmas and my freedom
2010-2011 Merry Christmas for me ends with an entire era - the era named Katya - the era of the ten-year wait, a desperate euphoria and less desperate suffering, the era of my entire adult life (unless, of course, it could be called conscious).
What's this mean for me?
First all - the end state of full-time commitment to one person and all the feelings associated with it. Probably, most likely, I'll never be able to love as he loved once - madly, desperately, tremendously, and irrational. It is this awareness, and perhaps peculiar to the transition from youth to maturity. It also means the end of promises made for life, the end of perfectionism and extravagance, as well as the end of idealism and romanticism. And yet this is the end of tantra (at least that I'm under ней понимал), конец сексуальности (во всяком случае той, какой я ее понимал), и, конечно, конец утопий - всяких и разных, больших и маленьких.
Также это означает great sacrifices and significant losses on both sides. This ten-year fascination, and this ten-year war affected the body, the mind and soul - with all its attendant consequences. The realization that quickly getting old, that has squandered a lot of energy on trifles - in useless quarrels, experiments and proofs - Open heavy and nebezboleznennoe from which I would like to protect those who are 16-18 years old. This discovery is accompanied by intense feelings of guilt, regret, bitterness and desire redemption. And, of course, obvious that there is no redemption - with this guilt I have to live up to his death. Also there is a feeling that God give me the opportunity to start all over again, I would have walked down this road more peacefully and calmly, wisely and beautifully. But this, of course, only a fantasy.
yet it means some gains and trophies obtained at great cost and often in the literal sense of the price of human blood. We are not talking about the material, physical or intellectual benefits - On the contrary, in this sense is almost the only one loss. But we are talking about experience - very strange and priceless human good, because experience can be obtained only empirically. Even if it's negative experience, ie experience of how to do NOT want that feeling should NOT be, and that can not speak - is still experience helpful. It is therefore important to forgotten and not repeated the next time, if a second chance of course be represented. In the meantime, it is our prayer in a K. a voice from Surganova come true, at least in my case: I came out of this war, though much battered, but with a sword, and is likely still continue. And I I pray only that the sword and were given continued and K.
And this, of course, means the experience profoundly positive - minutes, hours, and the rare days lived in such a full, sincere and vseobemlyuschem happiness and delight, like that experienced very few people or even experienced one. Not in the sense that Luckily it was an individual and therefore special (although this aspect has been expressed very clearly), and that this happiness was all the more grandiose that for him we K. (especially K.!) pay the cost of their lives, and not just their own. At some point we both realized that it's too high a price. That is why such happiness, though enormous, and unique, and bottomless, and unlike anything else at the same time and irrational. This is the main reason that most people refuse such experiments, and for good reason. They prefer the quiet coziness and any other bodily and sensual pleasure (a bottle of beer to sound body) the spontaneous union of the two "I" bought so dearly.
And only in the last end of the previous era marked a new beginning.
This means a new beginning while passivated all alone, with its chasms and precipices, which can divide and, with quite new, unknown hitherto suffering and joy, with meditations, visions and revelations and the whole range of feelings to him, loneliness attendant. This solitude also have life, as long as love selfless love I hardly would be able and / or desire.
new start also means openness to new relationships, openness of the five billion other people who are there also exist in this world besides me and Karl, and as a person, not just as a ghost phantoms. This openness to an entirely different plan - now I want the sober, sensible, reliable, productive and rational relations. Close but not too close, sensual, but not crazy, sexy, but not manic, even family, but not with lifelong promises. And I would like to see in the new regarding the dominant role played mind. Introspection shows that it is the mind - that the only force by which I am still alive. In this regard, profession I've chosen the philosopher was not in vain, and even AK has always celebrated my mind as the only rational character trait.
new beginning means More and new values, a radical reassessment of values. Very strange, and even somehow ashamed of (remnants of the past) to realize that these values are purely bourgeois: Work, kids, house, streamlined way of life, close and reliable relations. Of course, I still know underneath it all is not what is understood by most other people, eg work for me - a strange fusion of science, art and Eros. Yet this is quite different from routine and specific values, more mature and far of youthful dreams.
Therefore a new beginning is also a new job, especially since the end of the old era roughly coincides with the end of their studies. And, of course, the new means the beginning of a new country, new house, a new circle of acquaintances, friends and interests. This does not necessarily mean breaking ties with Germany, no. On the contrary, I do not exclude opportunity to return to Berlin. But I would like to devote themselves more to some people, which in the old life I do not have time and energy. Among They have, and you, dear Friend.
And only very very very new beginning means the end of Freedom.
10 years we lived in open relationship, which were understood as freedom from any obligations to each other as freedom of using the rights, freedom and choice of hanging out sexual partners. At the same time We have almost never turned out to implement it all in life. Almost always it was a freedom "from" and not sovoboda "for", except for our freedom passing close and deep contacts. We considered ourselves to be free, but they were very far from that other freedoms. After all, freedom - is not arbitrary, when each does what he pleases. - Freedom is not the embodiment of fantasy, not a lack of brakes in the choice of pleasures, not sex meditation under a cocktail of drugs, not freedom of psychological work on yourself, do not practice the anti-ego or ego, no raids on night clubs in Berlin and a bold step into the kingdom of shadows. - Freedom is even not the spontaneous freedom for the absolute closeness that comes from the free will of both parties and which in our culture, so rare.
Freedom - it is really recognized need - the need to do and choose from all opportunities only those few who ugotovleny your destiny. In this respect, freedom something unbearably complicated and difficult, almost unbearable, and fateful choices. Freedom - it's fate ....
I'm just now starting to try it on the taste - very carefully, barely touching the tip of the tongue.
What is taste?
I think he is very bitter and salty.
taste of freedom - the taste of tears.
state of sadness - a wind of change. In sorrow ends with old age, and with tears coming new. Christmas 2010-2011 - is an important and wet turning point on this curve of my strange so strange life.
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